Just Friends

Yesterday over lunch, P and I had a delightfully heated debate over the topic of guy-girl friendships. He had created an entire philosophy explaining why it was absolutely impossible for a guy and a girl to be “just friends” whereas I felt it was entirely possible.

In his theory, he stated that the only way for a guy and a girl to become close was if there was some sort of initial attraction – whether one-sided or not. He said NO guy would ever ask for a girl’s phone number or screen name, arrange a one-on-one "date" (movie, dinner), and make an effort to get to know her if he didn’t find some sort of appeal (and vice versa). And the only way a friendship can become “allegedly” platonic, is if one person sets the boundaries of the friendship, and the other person chooses to respect those boundaries. Basically someone agrees to accept the friendship because that’s all they can get haha.

In my perspective, the context of how two people meet can predetermine the status of their future interactions and relationships. If you don't meet in an "instant" dating scenerio -- at a club, at the gym, through a mutual friend -- or some other way in which you immediately size up their potential, it's harder to get into the groove and often just leads to friendship. But there’s definitely other ways of getting to know someone than “hollering” because in some situations, you are forced to get to know one another – perhaps you work together every day, you’re always over at your boyfriend’s house so you end up getting to know his roommate, you grew up with a family friend, or you look to your girlfriend’s best friend/sister/cousin for advice on your relationship since she knows her so well.

I mean yeah, you don’t HAVE to get to know them – but isn’t it kind of rude not to? And I don’t necessarily think that the gender of the person comes into account – a guy and a girl are easily interchangeable in these situations. Sometimes you accidentally get to know someone, find you have something in common, and develop a friendship. And why is it perfectly okay for a girl to call up a girl friend for lunch, but if she calls up a guy for lunch, it has to mean something???

Our greatest debate was over the topic of guys with girlfriends and girls with boyfriends. In my case, if a guy has a girlfriend, I’m more willing to accept his friendship because I know it’s safe. But maybe that’s the trick behind it? Maybe because both of your guards are down, you develop an intimate bond without realizing it.

P says that the only reason people in relationships look for friendships in the opposite sex, is to fill certain voids. It’s not necessarily looking to cheat, but perhaps there is a particular quality missing in a relationship. Maybe the girlfriend is too shy and safe and not willing to venture out – and he has a female friend that’s crazy and fun and a blast to go out with. Maybe he loves the fact his girlfriend is so outgoing, but feels he can’t relate to her on certain levels. Maybe the girlfriend doesn’t understand a crisis he’s going through. He says it’s so much harder to confide in other guys because of pride issues, so guys naturally look to girls to be compassionate about their problems. And when a girlfriend doesn’t understand, he turns to the next best thing -- a female friend.

So basically, everything comes down to “what if.” What if a guy has a female friend that’s always been there for him and he breaks up with his girlfriend? What if you accidentally get to know someone and realize later that there IS a physical attraction? What if the girl you always looked to as a “little sister” suddenly grows up before your eyes? What if one day you realize the guy you’ve always called on to help you with a flat tire or unclog your toilet is actually HOT?

Can a person really sit down, write out the names of all their friends of the opposite sex, and be absolutely certain, that if one day that person confessed their feelings, they would feel completely nothing? Because essentially, doesn’t a person look for similar qualities in both a friend and a significant other? Why on earth would someone be good enough to be your best friend, but not good enough to be your boyfriend? All the “safeties” that we create – "he has a girlfriend, he’s like my brother, he dated my friend, we grew up together, we’re TOO good of friends"– are they all just excuses made up in our heads to keep us within the boundaries?

Because I mean really, WHAT IF?

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The Younger Guy

My good friend E recently started dating a guy who we unceremoniously dubbed “the boy toy” – emphasis on “boy”. By the time she had drunkenly left the club and arrived at his apartment, it was a little too late to ask, and yet she did. But even the seven shots of vodka couldn’t dull the shock of his being only twenty-one.

Oh what’s a couple of years, you ask? The thing is, forty-five and forty-one, or even thirty-five and thirty-one, is a long long ways from twenty-five and twenty-one -- especially, or should I say specifically, if it’s the woman that’s on top.

Although “boy toy” is every bit a man by conventional standards – with a steady career, his own place, and a sense of responsibility well beyond his years (which is more than can be said for most 21-year-olds), there’s a peculiar innocence about him – a bit of naivety, a bit of awkwardness, and all the charming qualities that in the end, make him really just a boy.

So what is it that we as women, find attractive in these younger guys? Is it the power trip? The puppy love? For you Samantha Jones’ -- the stamina? Is it the same novelty as the teacher crush or the “Stacy’s mom” syndrome? The slight awe and blind adoration? Is it the attention factor? Or maybe some of us just need a little ego-boost and prove that “we still have what it takes.”

Many women are dying to exercise their nurturing qualities. Or perhaps they just want to feel needed. Some would go as far as to say it’s a control thing – there’s nothing quite as empowering as a man who truly appreciates a woman’s advice and “words of wisdom” – and follows it. And those who thrive on the idea of the “project boyfriend” can earn the fulfilling task of helping a boy transition into manhood.

The simplicity sure doesn’t hurt. Younger guys seem to provide excessive attention -- the frequent calls and texts, the daily check-ins, and an attentiveness that's not hard to get used to. E, who needs constant reassurance, finds herself so much more secure in her relationship with “boy toy” than her past flakey boyfriends. Although the immediate adoration initially caused her to toy with him, she soon learned to appreciate his sincerity. There are no ulterior motives or hidden meanings -- when he says he loves her it’s because he really does. And it’s all such a refreshing change from the games of “men.”

For me personally, the younger guy takes me back a few years. It’s the chance to be a girl again. I can giggle and blush and be just a little bit infatuated. I can have a silly crush and temporarily forget the unsympathetic reality of my adult relationships. I know that when he calls it’ll be a light-hearted and stress-free chat. It’s fewer talks of work and retirement plans and more talks of bowling and ice cream. And when he tries to be a man, when he talks of growing up, it’s so unbelievably endearing, that I can’t help but smile a little bit and offer him the encouragement that he seeks.

The older woman/younger man relationship is not necessarily a one-way street -- it can actually be quite healthy. In return for their appreciativeness, we just may learn to appreciate them more as well. The little things, the normal things, are magnified – when he takes care of the check or opens our door or hands us his coat when it’s chilly -- it’s just that much more meaningful because it’s so much less practiced and so much more sincere.

Whatever it is, the older man can certainly learn a thing or two from the younger guys. Or maybe we just need to get the novelty out of our systems while we still can. After all -- I doubt there will be enough Smith Jerrods to go around when we’re fifty.

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